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'Believe me, they never know they're being tailed. We use a drone.'

"If you were a spy or a terrorist, you would tell me, wouldn't you..."

'It's a sign of my importance when the FBI, NSA and the CIA listen to my every conversation!'

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"I know exactly how you like your hair cut - it's here in your FBI file."

Note to self: Call lawyer, ask if he has any experience with charges of treason. What's lawyer got to do … got to do with it … What? What are you doing? Tina Turner. My second favorite singer, after Clay Aiken. She's amazing. I investigated every single one of her concerts. Good times. Wanna see my Tina Turner tattoo? I'm not a Russian spy!! What is this, 1985?! Good year. Tina was in "Mad Max" that year.

'Oh, sure, the boss has a menacing evil laugh, but it's his evil sob that I find most arresting.'

'Trying to steal secrets again, Dr. Figowitz?'

"Hey! Is that a tiny speaker making ocean noises, and a little camera?"

'Wikileaks: 3 days without an intelligence data dump.'

We had a power surge, and the milker seems to have tapped into the CIA's computer.'

'Can Jimmy come out and help me hack into Wiki Leaks military documents?'

Top Secret

Obama: I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute...the Office of President of the United States.

"Sorry I'm late, but the CIA had me confused with another Arvin V. Ritely, and I was questioned about smuggling arms into Peru."

"Now pay attention 007, this device will protect you against Jewish space lasers and alert you to the presence of baby-eating lizard people who want to take over the world with the Bill Gates vaccine."

The Anti-Agent

'Yes, I do have some ideas for the wedding! We could fly in on jet packs, say our vows on a bridge over a piranha pool with you in a white bikini, hold the reception in a casino and honeymoon in a secret underground bunker!'

'Ah Mr Bond, I haven't been expecting you...'

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

'More government surveillance!'

CIA, 'Confound it, Ruggles -- we're SUPPOSED to be worrywarts'

'I can't read their smoke signal. It's encrypted.'

Licensed to grill.

"What you find 'boring' spies from all over the world would find extremely interesting."

"I want to spill the beans, but I'm waiting till I have access to classified or sensitive beans."

J. Edgar - F.B.Eye Lives On.

Incognito Bonito - 'I don't know me, but I do know you!'

Facelook

I hope that "golden showers" dossier about Trump is true. That'd be awesome. How so, little buddy? Well, I was always a big fan of the cold war. I loved "Red Dawn" and "War Games" and "James Bond" and all those really cool cold war movies. If it's true that our new president is actually being blackmailed by the Russians, we might finally have a real "Manchurian Candidate." I've calculated that the number of "Twilight Zone" episodes that might still come true has just grown by half a dozen. I hop

"Why don't we call you 'Deeper Throat'?"

'Yes, sir. I could show you the menu, but then I'd have to kill you.'

Pet Drone

'We want to make a movie about making a fake movie so you can sneak us out of Washington.'

A spy peering round the corner.