Spouse Whisperer Pillows

'Bill gets so irritable when he can't go hunting that I prefer to keep him heavily sedated until deer season comes around!'

'My marriage has improved since I don't wake up grumpy every morning. Now I just let him sleep late.'

Old husband is knitted over by old wife.

A Tit for Tat.

Fixing the Computer.

'He's a catch for any woman - there's so much to re-mould'

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

Relationship Issues.

"Matt, you look like you just saw a ghost who fired you!"

'He's never there for me.'

"Well, at first I didn't like him. But then his creepiness just grew on me."

'I think both of you are always too busy: You don't talk anymore...'

"Living brings up a lot of issues for him."

"Mom can really push my buttons. She installed them."

"We could have a Do-It-Yourself wedding! Your friends could do the cake and flowers, Uncle Jim could do the photos..."

"Just got back from the client meeting and great news. . . your work isn't dead. It's beaten senseless and run over by a dump truck...but still very much alive."

"On Monday, they will introduce a new office layout and you'll be near Judy, who isn't good at sharing her charger. . ."

'Why are they called the opposite sex?'

"Excuse me for a moment. It's my idiot husband."

"If only girls came with drop-down menus and online help. . ."

'Any time I ask him to do anything around the house he always has the same response.'

Interpreters.

Freudian vs Behavior therapist.

"He likes to make clients feel important..."

'She thinks I'm always trying to put her down, but what does she know?'

"Ever since I got married women find me attractive."

"For gosh sakes, Mike! Will you please quit interrupting me while I eavesdrop on Mary's gossipy remarks to Bill during Jean's important presentation?"

"Uncommunicative? Have you tried texting him?"

'It's silly to jump at the first man who comes along.'

Marriage Guidance: 'Next!'

"Can't you keep your parenting to yourselves?"

"I understand that by the time we've hit our teens we'll have them pretty much where we want them."

"I don't believe I'm having this conversation."

"Before you know it, they'll be all grown up and moved to Brooklyn."

"In all the years I’ve endured your presence, I have never once heard you mention your mother." "It’s almost as if you think you sprang fully formed from the bowels of the earth." "When’s the last time you called your mother?" "December 2, 1992." "The day before text messaging was introduced." "Ingrate!!!"