Sports Guru Pillows

Armchair quarterback/Armchair everything

'Just remember at the Olympics the finish line has become the bottom line.'

'After much thought and consideration, I've decided to remain as coach of the team in order to spend less time with my family.'

"Would you guys shut up and let me watch the game?"

'Is it true that last year you earned more than the prime minister?'

Enough said.

Hair Style Menu

"Following the expulsion of two Russian diplomats the Australian Prime Minister is now expelling two members of the Australian cricket team..."

"May the best team win and could we please get through this game without some kind of controversy?"

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

No-Work Orange

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

'I do a lot of icing. It's part of my mellowness.'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"Now, why didn't I think of that?"

Good luck tonight, xoxo, Coach.

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

The Goalkeeper

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

It can be taken up at any age....

Input From The Front Office

Golf lessons

"This guy's a terrific defensive lineman. I once saw him chase down a quakerback for nearly 40 yards before sacking him. It was in a shopping mall, but still..."

"Awfully quiet... Must be a big game on!"

And if the ball is completely unplayable...

"If you think it's tough at this level, kid, wait until you get into calculus."

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'I don't care if you do need practice hitting out of the sand. The cat needs her litter box!'

Mark Gastineau

'I didn't have a glass ceiling I had to break through... I had a golf course I had to conquer.'

'The water hazard holds little fear for Jesus.'

'It looks to me like they come in peace.'

"I didn't mean your day wasn't hard, too."

Snowman Football Fan.

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."