Sports Avoider Pillows

'Baseball is boring, apple pie makes me fat and I'm not getting along with my mother.'

Good parenting.

'You're in luck, Sir. . . we found the only television in the shop that won't show sports!'

"Somewhere along long. . . LONG way from the World Cup."

Good News about winter

"It's true: no more burpees."

"When was the last time you exercised something other than a purchase option?"

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

'The doctor said you need more exercise, so I've hidden the remote control.'

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

"We need to walk."

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

"Our new treadmill is easy to use, you just set it to the speed setting that's most comfortable for you."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'You need more excercize. But I'm drinking as fast as I can.'

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

The Candy Shop. Anytime I eat candy it immediately goes to my mid-section. No time to waist!

"Cool bonfire app, man."

"I considered riding my bike to work until I realized it involved pedaling and sweat."

"I'm exhausted! I've just binge-watched the entire series of 'Fresh Air and Exercise.'"

Give me a child at seven and I will show you the MAN!

'Your back went out because your front went out.'

'But, dear, I am walking the dog.'

"I can’t even find the motivation to quit my gym membership."

The Sedentary Dead.

Election Cancelling Headphones

The doctor told my husband to be active, but the only exercise he gets is running around looking for the TV remote.

What can I get you? Ham sandwich with extra cheese. Double banana split. Side of sugar. Coming up, sir. I am abandoning my New Year's diet! If you're gonna go down, go down in flames. Burn these gym clothes!

Snoozed when I should have schmoozed.

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

New years resolutions

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."