Sporting Superstar Pillows

'Mind you, if they're any good at cricket or rugby they'll be more than welcome.'

'Kid, go out there and play like you're worth 29 million plus signing bonus, buyouts, and endorsement deals. '

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Don't tell me... you hired a professional decorator!"

Even good cholesterol can develop an unhealthy sports addiction...

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

Westview High School Soccer League Victory Dinner

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

A woman watches football on her computer.

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Cristiano Ronaldo

Wilfried Zaha

Soccer coach of the year.

Future Wrestler

Gareth Bale

"Go ahead, Perkins. I can listen to your report and roll out my hammies at the same time."

"They'd sold out of #1's."

Lionel Messi

"...and then while I was at soccer practice they moved house."

Goal

'That's not what is meant by a free kick.'

Footballers - Henrik Larrson

"It took a lot of hard work to get here, but it was all worth it in the end."

Professional football.

The most probable explanation to the mind of a sixteen year old tennis star

"Look, I'm the bobblehead of this team."

'True - There is no 'I' in team. But there is in 'I don't need my crummy team.'

Your counselor wants you to concentrate on one sport. Ok. Sports Camp. Which do you like best? Maybe baseball. Great. Or soccer or lacrosse. I'm proud of you, Teddy! You don't care about being the cool sports star! Ok. Then soccer.

'I've been transferred again.'

Harry Kewell

'See that? A pile of twigs! That's how you end up if you don't stretch properly before the game.'

'Needless to say, discus-thrower Bill Nordlander went to college on a full athletic scholarship.'

'If it's alright with your agent, Kolwalski, I'd like to hand the ball off to you.'