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"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

'Last quarter, Jeremy, you dropped two passes. Could you tell our viewers how you plant to catch this pass?'

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

"Hey, I'm thirsty. I need a drink. A drink and a liverwurst sandwich. Hey, how about a sandwich and a beer down at Gallagher's, then we can go shoot some pool? Or maybe take in a movie. Hey, I'm talking to you."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

"The economy always seems to be recovering, but it never recovers."

Radar Gun Readings at Baseball Stadium

Press Freedom

Gay Times...

If nobody had invented graphics

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

Difference of Opinion

You can take the boy out of Wimbledon...

I think you're ace

A little bird told me...

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'