Sparky Personality Pillows

A young Don King

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

'In memory of our beloved Skippy.'

Trump Overload

"The board is going to have to talk to 5-G again."

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

'Get an afterlife!'

'Food fight!'

Real Estate Personals

Bald man with a brush on his head

'Now that's what I call a primal scream!'

"Nah. I'm a crow. Some jerk put bleach in the birdbath."

"We're not all grim you know - I'm a happy reaper."

Writer's energy

Cactus Huggers

"Of course the HMO never stops b****ing about my electricity bills!"

"My brain could kick her brain's butt."

"Her fur generates so much static electricity, we named her Sparky."

"Prosecco-ho-ho?"

'And what makes you think this classroom wasn't wired properly?'

'Triple burger with fries, would you like the complimentary angiogram with that?'

Conclusions Drawn: Still lives at home with Mom and Dad.

"I only get them to please my dad."

"Of course I won. I was already a winner. I didn't even have to run the race."

Bar Room Practical Jokes

"I think Gukor just got an idea!"

'Sorry, I can't hear you because this jerk in front of me has a really crinkly wrapper.'

"Daddy always begged me not to marry a cactus farmer!"

'Yes son, rolling in a ball is a pretty good defence mechanism, but I like to use my club as a deterrent as well...'

"What now?"

'Pasta barstard' "Don't call me curly! I did warn you!!" "umm..bitter and twisted!"