Soundbite Critic Gifts

Pension Matters

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Sorry, the sound of your chewing sends me into a rage."

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

'He speaks for our entire generation. Pity he's such a bore...'

"I've recorded every noise my baby makes, so that when he's older I can play it back and he can tell me what he was trying to say. . .!"

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

Man chasing microphone.

Gettysburg Address, "Now can we have it as a sound bite ?"

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

"The last thing that I intend to do is to stand here making a display of my patriotism."

"I don't like it already."

Information might travel at the speed of light, but the news still travels at the speed of sound bites.

Covid Podium

'Another advantage is the humming and whirring, which is so much more plasant than chalk screeching on a blackboard.'

'You shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die...'

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

Insight/Incite

'Uou have a great image. Don't spoil it by speaking.'

"Now tell me about yourself in a ten second sound bite."

Trump reads his visions for America while sticking the GOP with the bill.

'Gee! I liked Muazk better than this laugh track!'

"Curtain going up. Third act – and the bitter disappointment it is."

'I don't know which is worse... talk radio or talk wife.'

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Well, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

"School would be more exciting with a sound track."

"Do you think that social media is dumbing-down the art of conversation?"

"I'm sorry, you were talking about people I don't know doing things I'll never care about, blah, blah, blah. Go ahead — I'm listening."

Who is the biggest air polluter on earth?

"A MacArthur, the lecture circuit, and thou!"

"I look forward to coming here for great tasting coffee every morning... but you are talking so loud I can't even smell it!"

"Brass band and bagpipes have their place. Outdoors and 10 miles away!"