Sound-sense Comedians Pillows

"I'll have whatever I'm hearing being opened in the kitchen."

"Here's what I'm gonna do."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

The Nanuit Have 2,027 Words For Snow, But, After Awhile, They Just Talk About Something Else...

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

"It's time we start moving into this uncharted territory."

"We've been married 32 years. How can you possibly still be in beta?"

Memory Foam Mattress.

Ding and Dong.

"Is there room for me?"

Fencing Venn Graph

'Is it just me or is a good man really that hard to find?'

"You have your emotional support animal and I have mine."

Certificate in Living Room Celebrating Three Days Without Argument

Recycle your problems. Many of our neuroses, hang-ups and character defects can be re-used by others.

'I'm not applauding your lovemaking, I'm trying to turn off the lights.'

"My wife's career is in ruins... She's an archaeologist!"

'Sorry, we serve beer in glasses only. Not in the toilet flush.'

'-and to all you night owls out there...'

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"Don't mind Bill. He's got misophonia."

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

'Then it's agreed - we exaggerate the problems we can handle to cover those we can't.'

Department of Knock, Knock Jokes: 'Ring bell for service.'

Scavenenger's hunt.

Snow Stab.

“That’s not the nuclear football That’s my gym bag.”

What the critics are saying about Hell.

"My humour needs bringing up to date. Do you think the New School might have something?"

'The feedback on the extended opening hours was generally excellent, although some people feel we should provide croissants and coffee in the morning and a little late supper in the evening.'