Sound Check Humorist Pillows

'Dude, we told you not to stage dive during the sound check.'

At the rock concert...

F&E Stables. Horses Boarded. The owner of this horse is a huge fan of the late musician, "Prince." That explains the purple reins.

"Let me take that for you."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"Are you aware that in your submission you misspelled 'deer editer'?"

"Sopranos", "Tenors", "Basses"

"So our ant-cestors come from Ant-artica?"

'Does that mean my reflexes are GOOD then, doctor?'

'. . . however, in the brand-new global ball-game of macro-economics we blah blah blather blah. . .'

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

Suggestion Box for the Wather.

'He still hasn't got the hang of it.'

'No you can't take a copy home to prepare for your eye exam next week'

'It's just hot dogs. What does the health department care about hot dogs?'

"I'm hoping my stethoscope is broken."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

What we talk text...How it reads when we hit 'send' without reading it first...

'Enough, Hank. I'm tired of pulling your finger.'

Campus. F. You wrote "As air cools, water condenses and droplets form" in your paper for civics clss? I mistakenly Googled "Dew process" when I was writing it.

Vegetable Intelligence Agency. Gentlemen, I'm afraid there's a Leek in our organization!

Early phone sex lines - 'I'm lifting my petticoat...and there's my ankle!'

'That's your misfortune, and none of my own, I'm afraid.'

Tailor Shop. Repairs. Alterations. You're a tailor who fixes torn pants?! When we met in the bar you said you were a genetic engineer! No, I said I do "jean splicing"!

Baseball player NY Yankee - being interviewed while wearing 3-D prescription glasses.

12 items or less. 12 items or else.

"Hi honey, I'm gnome!"

Closing Laugh Optician

"OMG! You're still there! I'm going to have to out you on hold again while I figure out another way to get rid of you."

Wine. Uh-huh, I got a fake phone! I know! I can talk to myself all day and not one knows I'm nutty as a bag of trail mix!

'Your call is very important to us, unless you're an IMPOSTOR.'

'Please stay on the line -- Your call is very important to us.... important to us.... important to us.... important to us....'

"Say 'ahhhhhhhh!'"