Solicitor Gifts

"Look, I'm not saying it's going to be today. But someday - someday - you guys will be happy that you've taken along a lawyer."

"You have a pretty good case, Mr. Pitkin. How much justice can you afford?"

"I'll work on the appeal. You try to escape."

"I understand you're some fancy pants lawyer."

"I made partner!"

'This is your lucky day!'

"In closing, I would like to remind the jury that he says he didn't do it."

"My client got twenty years, yet he paid me in full. It just shows the system works."

'They presented us with an ironclad contract that we were able to totally reinterpret.'

'We never should have brought him that little lawyer kit. Suddenly, everything I ask him to do is capricious and arbitrary.'

"I'd like to have myself declared legally blonde."

'My instincts and intuitions are on opposing sides on this legal strategy.'

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

"The judicial rulings are over here. That section is all lawyer jokes."

"Apparently, you have very little respect for our judicial system, sauntering in here with only one lawyer."

"In the interest of streamlining the judicial process, we'll skip the evidence and go directly to sentencing."

"At first I was the aggressor but as he got the upper hand it became clear I was the victim."

King Arthur And The Attorneys Of The Round Table

"Melanie, find me a little pro-bono case to cleanse my palate."

"Remember, we can only afford to do all this pro bono because of how much anti bono pays."

'Am I the only one who still enjoys the glide of a perfectly sharpened #2 on a fresh yellow legal pad?'

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

"Before we begin, I'd like to say that in thirty years as an attorney, I've never encountered a more interesting departure from the standard last will and testament."

"Having reviewed the charges against you, your defense team believes that honesty is not an option."

"Comparing lawyers to doctors. Lawyers only rob you. Doctors rob you and kill you."

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

"Frankly, counselor, I don't care how stressful this is for your client—tell him to get out of that damn yoga position."

"How very exciting! I have never before met a Second Amendment lawyer."

'What makes you think my client is a flight risk?'

"Forget the bloody glove for a moment; ignore all the arguments about the DNA evidence and try to remember that this case, after all, is about securities violations."

Maze of Legalities: Do not enter without an attorney.

'How to stump a corporate lawyer.'

'So we're agreed: we'll go to mediation.'

'Your hindsight on this case, was far more accurate than his forsight.'

'Daddy doesn't know why birds migrate. Ask me about ways to avoid probate.'