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"Ever since the nuclear apocalypse, it's been hard to find someone to blame for my problems."

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Yes, one is a dog."

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

Armageddon

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

After defeating terror, George and his friends declare war on mild irritation and clouds.

'Seesh...I'm really tired of how men are always depicted as clueless dolts!!...I didn't say it's inaccurate, just that I'm tired of seeing it...'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

Noise Pollution

"What's wrong, girl? Trouble? Rachel can't decide which private school to attend?" "Upper West Side Lassie"

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

Can't even hold signs well.