Societal Commentary Fans Gifts

"Ever since the nuclear apocalypse, it's been hard to find someone to blame for my problems."

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

Wifi in Hell

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

"Will follow you on social media for food."

Armageddon

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

Noise Pollution

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

Can't even hold signs well.

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

After defeating terror, George and his friends declare war on mild irritation and clouds.

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

'Seesh...I'm really tired of how men are always depicted as clueless dolts!!...I didn't say it's inaccurate, just that I'm tired of seeing it...'

"What's wrong, girl? Trouble? Rachel can't decide which private school to attend?" "Upper West Side Lassie"