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'Me? I made the mistake of arguing with success... and winning!'

"And this is our son, Ben, a child of exceptional intellectual depth and breadth on topics ranging from North Korea's nuclear program to the moral crisis of feminism."

In my day, they didn't give free lunches to poor children in school. If your parents couldn't afford to feed you, you went without. When you saw rich kids and their fancy sandwiches, you didn't expect the government to even the scales for you. You pushed them down in the dirt and stole those sandwiches on your own! I think I read about you in "Lord of the Flies."

A Gentleman is Harrased by Street Children.

'Help out a fellow non-conformist?'

'It's a dollar minimum, sir -- Union rules.'

'Our second quarter figures were in line with expectations.'

Crash test dummy unemployed begging.

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"You know, there are other emojis."

Wifi in Hell

The Cougher

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Amazing! We truly do live in a classless society.'

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Will follow you on social media for food."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Armageddon

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."