Social Media Skeptic Gifts

"I used to call people, then I got into e-mailing, then texting, and now I just ignore everyone."

"Just ignore it. It's click-bait."

"His Highness is changing his relationship status."

"Now go to the comment box under your picture and type, 'No matter what you've been hearing, I'm really a very nice person.' "

"Somebody tweeted."

"We're actually gossiping at a water cooler instead of on social media. Does this make us hipsters?"

"Who would of thought that with this many 'friends' one could feel so alone."

'My god, this is it... I'm finally getting my fifteen minutes of privacy.'

'Talk about unpopular...I just rejected a friend request from myself.'

"Bob believes that most of his deeply held opinions are the result of 'extensive research," but I sort of suspect they're just the result of prompts suggested by the Youtube algorithm."

Who is behind the computer?

'If you embraced social media, people wouldn't doubt our existence.'

"Grandpa, before selfies and social media, how did people self-promote?"

"Howard?! This is quite the contrast from your social media profile."

'After analyzing 5 petabytes of Facebook data and 800 million tweets we were able to conclude that our customers are idiots.'

'You know, I don't need your approval. I can have all my crackpot opinions validated on the internet!'

'Don't you mean you want to learn to 'Tweet,' not, 'Twerk,' Grandma?'

"The internet wants to destroy your productivity."

'I've done an exhaustive internet search and nothing you've ever done is trending.'

'We're taking baby steps with this whole social media thing until we're certain it pans out.'

Social Media Lies

"I'm so lonely."

"As a concerned corporation, we take very seriously our responsibility to offer banal and meaningless platitudes for social media consumption."

"I write reactionary half-truths and broad generalizations, therefore I am."

"Doc, I don't have just a second opinion, I have 143 Facebook friends saying you're wrong!"

"Do you have any other references apart from those comments on Facebook?"

'You can't thank grandmom with a tweet! She deserves the respect of a good old fashioned email.'

"I'm going on a digital-detox, any idea how to stop my online friends from contacting me?

Friendships and social networks

'My life is so boring, even I don't follow myself on Twitter.'

Share if you're sick of people asking you to share things.

"The company blog says we're doing extremely well, though. Blogs will do that."

"I had to hire younger employees to keep up with today's technology and social media."

'I'm old enough to remember when smiley faces were right side up.'

Social Media Stomps on Private Grief