Social Media Analyzer Gifts

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

Studies show foods work miracles!

Skeptic Tank.

"We've won control of the congress. Our next objective is to win control of the media."

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

"How to talk to people" "Make them rue the day"

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Mommy, watch, I'm living authentically!"

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

"Oh, goody. More reality-based crap."

'If I've learned anything, it's believe half of what's in the newspapers, and even less of what's in your e-mail.'

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

The four housemen of procrastination

'He's a man of few works. He likes to talk, he just has a limited vocabulary.'

Books vs mobile phones

"Are these 'raw' facts or 'spun' facts?"

"Ok, so I just texted everybody my commencement speech."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Cyber Dream

"I decided to treat my employees like friends...now I hate all of them!"

"It's great the way that computer algorithms allow the internet to feed me with opinions that reinforce the ones I've already got - all on my phone!"

Lights Action Camera Justice

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

The Court of Public Opinion

'Welcome to 'All Sides of the Issues.' Here's our panel of commentators -- a communist, a socialist, a liberal, and a progressive....'

"Social media makes it impossible to see, hear or speak no evil."

"We've managed to eliminate every problem except the public perception that we're heading in the wrong direction."

The Daily Fury

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

"Yeah, you're right, I'll cancel my subscription: the 'Predator Daily' is not the fair and balanced news outlet I thought it would be..."

"If this is secret information the government doesn't want us to know, how come we can read about it on facebook?"