Social Grace Expert Gifts

Somewhere In France: Madame Sofie floats on air and avoids the ubiquitous faux pas.

Grace For Flies

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

'The mask?... Oh, I always try to obscure my face a little, at parties. Just to give the other guys a fighting chance.'

Snail Pattern Balding.

'Do I have to give thanks for all the spinach, or just the bite I'm going to eat?'

Saying Grace.

"I worry that we're headed for a future where you won't be able to earn three hundred times the salary of your lowest paid worker."

Title page from 'The Scouring of the White Horse'.

"I know - it takes skill to sneak a peek at their tiny tags when you can't remember their names."

'Did you spill my pint?'

'Okay then, what's the price break on TWENTY drinks?'

'I love money because it reminds me that I'm part of a larger community of capitalists.'

Ballet Birthday

'The last time he jogged past the cemetery, the gravediggers tried to bury him'

"It's the second time this week he's mixed up his hairpiece with his hairball."

'It's rude to talk to someone with your sunglasses on - they can't see your . . er . . limpid pools of loveliness.'

"How about taxing the rich and giving the poor free health care and education?"

'I thought, to Hell with the fusty old nude calender. This year, lets make some cakes and jam...!'

"Since you have not responded to the emails requesting a donation, I thought I would bring them to you in person."

"Another year and another inch for your belt buckle."

10% of Your Money Goes to Charity

"Mom, why did Miss Manners never marry?"

Laughing when someone shrinks there favorite shirt only makes matters worse.

Ballet keeps you supple...

"If she floats, she's a witch. If she sinks, maybe she had a point about women's rights."

Love thy neighbour.

Life Begins at 40

'I'm volunteering to be a customer, as part of the Big Society.'

'Of course as a charity our resources are limited and we may not be able to pay you quite as much as the work demands....'

'Well, well... never ever underestimate the importance of a thought-out advertising concept...'

Support your local police.

Ch--Ch Means Nothing If "U" "R" Not in It

'Any chance of the new owners lending me that this afternoon?'

The Halt