Smoking Cynic Pillows

Riot policeman lights his cigarette with a protesters flaming bottle.

"Ironically, smokers get far more exercise now that they're restricted from almost everywhere."

"I once decided to stop smoking in the presence of idiots. Since that day I have never touched cigarettes again."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Will Self deprecation

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Pollution Look

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Obama builds own gallows.

Bush vs. America

"Love it! 'People of smoke' instead of 'Smokers.' "

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'That's it?'