Smile Connoisseur T-Shirts

'Could you tone down the smile just a little?'

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"He's a guard dog."

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

"I know it's misspelled, but market research shows that cute sells."

The Gettysburg Address in process.

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

'Take me to you lieder.'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

Jerry Brown.

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

'Well it's too bad you're not a black widow like me, Slyvia...'

'It's clear that we need Haitian refugees in America to do jobs Americans aren't willing to do... Like voting Democratic!'

"That damn dog's scratching again!"

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

"Is that snow? We never get snow around here...what do we do?"

Alien asking for Bernard manning's autograph

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

"I'm planking."

'...Better clear my schedule too.'

"Great-looking tie!"

"I swear, if you say 'I'm bored' one more time . . . "