Smartphone Humor Fan Pillows

"Counsel will be advised to not text message the witness."

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

The Brothers Grime

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

10 K Tail-Chase

"Would you relax? They never look up."

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

"You see, it's perfectly safe to tease him..."

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

Trump Poutine

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

The Snooze Bar.

"Uh Oh! Jehovah's"

"Our business is based on breakthroughs."

Beer Parasol.

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

tRUMp, Pirate President

"I fell to the ground from a height of about two metres when I was born: My very first stunt!"

"I'm you from the future! Or the past. I've completely lost track of time."

"For the last time, we never need the route with the fewest turns."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

'More government surveillance!'

No, I don

'Joe has been partying hard!'

"My favorite part of the story was when Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty and she totally rebooted."

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"Well, you were late and her boyfriend didn't turn up for their wedding, so....."

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'