Small-town Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"Very few leave the grove!"

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

Crime in bookshop

Men Working Things Out

"Wow! Check out the moon."

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

"Welcome to Randolph, Vermont. Don't even think of relocating here!"

Sculptor explaining to tourist in Trafalgar Square that sculpture of pigeon is called 'Retribution - it actually doubles as a giant privy!'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"You're a bureaucrat, Ed. What do you mean you hate paperwork?"

'Hand me the 'desperates'.'

I told you not to use horse liniment as an underarm deoderant...

Internet Shoplifting

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

'Young lady, stop talking to your dad in such a disrespectful way! After all he's a man with degrees and can fill in his unemployment benefit application in five different languages!'

Expensive health care

A panhandler with a sign that reads "From each according to his ability…. To each according to his need."

Spam.

'It was embarrassing. I always swore I'd die of her cooking.'

"Do you recognize the one who stole your tractor?"

Early American Think tank

Jimmy Mussolini With "Leon""Precious I cannot be. One more allusion to Gilgamesh and I'll trash out. I make mistakes, just like you, every day. This may be one of them. I'll take the money and walk."

Universidad

"Well, instead of discussing the book we could discuss why none of us had time to read it."

"I'm tired of having to apologize for the condition of the house."

"Out of my way! I'm late for that lecture on 'The Importance of Relaxation'!!!"

Dr Rimbone suffered terribly from 'Dentist's Block'.

Florist - Dead Plants 1/2 Price!

"I was married to my job for years, and now, all of a sudden, I'm paying ALIMONY to it!"

'Sorry, but sorting through garbage bins for food is pretty much what the future holds for you...'