Sloppy Schemer T-Shirts

'It's no wonder they caught me. I got sloppy.'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"My assistant is more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy."

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'Do you want to be red Tory or blue Labour?'

"It's a setup."

"I don't think much of their defence."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"So you want to hide it from other squirrels by presented to deposit it in savings, then taking it back and putting it in a secret account?"

'Just tell him you've been good. Don't overdo it.'

"Doing chores is very stimulating. I'm always thinking of ways to avoid them."

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."

'Business is slow. Go and throw a few banana skins on the pavement.'

'I'm always thinking of my fellow man - that's how I stay ahead of him.'

A trap for Santa

'So! THis is what you do all day.'

Well yes, I'm quite clever: I have over twenty patents to my name...

'We're looking to expand our globalization into countries that don't extradite.'

The Tax Loophole

"May I have your attention? For Christmas, all I want is for everyone to write a note on how smart, charming and social I am. I'm collecting college reference letters before I enter my terrible teens."

"If I do that to my own Barbie, imagine what might happen to a tattle-tale."

"Are there any security cameras in the basement?"

"Keep an eye on that Santa...I think he might be a damned headhunter!"

Successful business man

The Groundhog didn't see his shadow...because the superdome lights were out.

Days Of Conquest

"When I win the lottery, I'll be an agent of goodness...giving every last penny to needy children, the homeless, and the sick and destitute of the world."

'Your teacher called and said the school concert tickets you sold me for $20 were free.'

"The lab boys figured out how to change lead into gold. Now your job is to corner the lead market."

"Our plan for world domination starts with the chew toys."

'Maybe we should wait until after we've won all that money playing poker until we tell the boss where to go...'

'Now THAT's what I call an innovative business plan!'

A road side billboard advertises: 'bus drivers eat-free' a man is seen rigging a false panel that looks like a bus to his caravan.