Sleepy Sermon Goer Pillows

'Would you like seating in snoring or non-snoring?'

The Bookworm

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

"Doesn't seem like 6 hours on the couch, but you can't argue with a lethargy tracker."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'Let us pray...'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

Baptism Then and Now

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

United Church of OMG

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"I have an app for that."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

CCTV in church.

"Amen. Please help me up."

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"Did you have to go on about his being 'officially unavailable' and 'defying the nature of his masculinity?"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'