Sleepless Parent Gifts

'Wait a minute...what am I doing? I can't count yet.'

'Shouldn't you be out in line...'

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

Cry babies.

We tried rocking her to sleep, but she still seems tired and cranky.

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

The modern generation!

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'We need a dog!'

'Not today,son-not on Fathers' Day!'

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

I'm not fussy! I'm stir-crazy!

"They were known as the tribe that didn't sleep."

"But MOM, between school, homework, sports and music lessons, I don't have time for time-outs anymore!"

"At first it was difficult having a new baby. But now I'm doing fine!"

'Whoever said practice makes perfect never had kids with drum sets.'

After years of shuttling teenagers around, Gina started hallucinating that she was morphing into a Chrysler minivan.

"Dad, I'm thirsty again!"

"I'd be happy if I got half the attention and was half as clever as my kids' smartphones."

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

I'm late. Nothing you can say will convince me to drive you to school. O.K. Slam!

"It's dawn, Dad. Want to knock off for breakfast?"

'I appreciate your wanting me to do a stress test but what do you think I'm going through right now?'

“Worst. Playdate. Ever.”