Slander Slayer Pillows

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

Giant slug attacks a city

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

"I'll stop saying 'irregardless' if you'll stop staying 'at this point in time.'"

'It's only a slug Norman.'

One of the lesser known joys of being a fencing instructor.

"Luckily the days are long gone when we just labeled people as "mad"'

Unsubscribe-A-Mole

"Anything but a head shot only angers an attorney."

"After a long day at school, it's nice just to come home, kick back and outrun a horde of bloodthirsty zombies."

Performance anxiety lessons, the more you practice something.

"I'm looking for something with low clearance. Something monsters won't be able to get under."

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'

'Oh, sure, I should wake him up...but I asked him to kill that thing a week ago!'

How to Get Rid of All the Snow

'no, I'm sorry to say, giving up your bonus has not increased my respect for you.'

'What exactly is it you dislike about slugs, Mister Crabtree?'

"Your sermon had everyone at rapt attention. Good move cutting the church WiFi."

'Watch out!'

'This will kill the spores.'

'Your presentation left them open-mouthed. Every one of them was yawning!'

'Faster Grace, it's gaining on you!'

'Hank, if I find one more of these things in the lawn, I'm going to throw away that damn crossbow.'

'Look - the giant is dead! You got your cow back! Stop worrying about the loss of the bean crop!'

'I get that a lot.'

"Josephine, my man!"

"The witness may continue. I was just killing a spider."

'Don't worry Hal, I think if you pour salt on them, they completely shrivel up.'

"I'm not trying to sell you anything, sir. I'm doing market research, and all I ask is two or three hours of your time to answer a few thousand questions."

'Gah! Spider!' - 'Arghhh!' - 'Oh, hello insomnia.'

"Of course I don't love you just because you can open jars. You can also kill spiders."

"On price, we always beat the competition. That's where you come in."