Size Skeptic Pillows

"Have I suddenly developed Acromegaly, or are cans and bottles just getting smaller?"

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

'No, that doesn't make any difference either, Miss Jones.'

Coincidence or What?

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

Lite Beer.

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

"It's two sizes too big, but it fits."

Woman and scales.

Please seat to be weighted.

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

'You must have something in my size?'

'Your weight second opinion.'

'I felt an overwhelming nostalgia for the old video games where you sit on your arse.'

"Fake."

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

"Your call and personal data may be monitored for brainwashing purposes."

Airport Security. I had to go through the security pat-down three times --- They had trouble believing this is just my body and I'm not hiding anything.

'...And when it registers over 140 pounds, it automatically triggers the refrigerator lock.'

'LIAR!'

Health Foods; "When did I ever eat back pain and trigger fingers?"

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

"Thanks for your input Branston, but I've decided to go with my intution"

"I'm looking for a diet that will guarantee my boss will gain the weight I lose.."