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"We've agreed, then—earthlings cannot join the Intergalactic Federation until they've improved the quality of their sitcoms."

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

"How many times are you going to playback that last episode of 'Friends'?"

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

'He likes to power nap.'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Night of the Latkes

Farm Humor.

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

The Trojan Beagle.

Happy Hour

Emergency Phone.

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

Bangers and Mash

The Snarky District

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

10 Good Things about a Minnesota Winter.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

'Satchel, I have just had a revelation.'

"Oh boy charades! I love charades! Something big? Is it a bird? It's sharp! Behind? Above?"