Sinister Humor Lover Pillows

'I'm afraid you're going to have to stay with us for a thousand years, but your sins are tax-deductible.'

"I'll have Envy for starter, Greed for Main and Lust to follow."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Crap from the future.

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"Ah...summer...and umbrellas as far as you can see...it reminds me of England!"

Honest Voting Stickers

The Monroe Doctrine

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

Evil Henchman Gets a Promotion.

Think tanks.

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

Suggestions and Cheap Shots.

"Bad news. Our heads aren't lightbulbs."

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

'You see me coming here every week and paying you fifty dollars...'

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

Police Lineup Escape

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

'Escape?...Why?'

"Welcome to Alabama. Pro-life at birth; not so much after that."

Traders joining Wall Street protests

Euro Collapse

"Six hundred Starbucks closing? Really? Is that on the East Side or West Side?"

"I don't know what that is, either - it could be the Olsen twins."