Sinister Humor Lover Pillows

'I'm afraid you're going to have to stay with us for a thousand years, but your sins are tax-deductible.'

"I'll have Envy for starter, Greed for Main and Lust to follow."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Crap from the future.

"I told you. . . use your inside miming."

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

Honest Voting Stickers

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

The Monroe Doctrine

"Ah...summer...and umbrellas as far as you can see...it reminds me of England!"

How About Serving Us For a Change

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

Evil Henchman Gets a Promotion.

Think tanks.

Suggestions and Cheap Shots.

"Bad news. Our heads aren't lightbulbs."

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

Only in America

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

'...and do you solemnly swear to update your facebook status to 'married'?'

'You see me coming here every week and paying you fifty dollars...'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

Police Lineup Escape

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

"I don't know what that is, either - it could be the Olsen twins."

"The union is objecting to our 'grotesquely inflated' wages, do you think they'd settle for 'outrageously inflated' instead?"

Spying Smart TV

"Welcome to Alabama. Pro-life at birth; not so much after that."

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff,'

Dollars Press Conference