Singles Seeking Laughs Gifts

'I don't mind being turned down for a date, but I hate it when they say I 'missed the cut'.'

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Skeleton playing fetch.

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'Surely they don't expect us to carry around THAT sort of money?'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"I knew Mary would dump me when my fleece got a little gray."

'What really stung is when they wanted the Magna Carta notarized!'

"Get with the program, Barry, the certificate clearly said, 'till death do we part'."

"I deliberately married an archaeologist because I thought the older I got, the more interest you would show in me..."

ACME COMPUTER DATING SERVICE, 'She should be attractive, intelligenty, charming, and funny, or best offer.

"Yes, we did try to save our marriage. But, then he ran off with the marriage guidance counsellor."

"Sorry. No refunds."

"I'm looking for the kind of relationship that won't interfere with government regulations."

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."

"I probably should have mentioned that I'm allergic to cats, Albert. . ."

'I don't approve of sex before marriage. It often delays the ceremony.'

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but actually 47% of 235 people covering 34%..."

Cat using mousetraps

"So, the rumors are true. He is faster than a speeding bullet."

'I offered to help with your tie, but oh no, you had to do it yourself...'

'Husband home more - please help.'

'Be honest with me, Louis. Are you seeing someone else?'

'Sure, there's plenty more fish in the sea, but I'm a mammal: It's harder to find a date...'

"I almost lost my husband...but just my luck he found me!"

"Why must you always pre-empt my nightmares?"

"This personal lubricant has an expiration date of 2025 - just saying."

"Goodnight, dear. Goodnight, Scooter. Goodnight, erection."

Yep, marriage really domesticated Al. Now he sleeps like a dog, eats like a pig, and smells like a goat.

'In lieu of sentencing, my client has agreed to be lectured by his wife.'