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101 uses of a dead cat: signpost

Blind man walking a tortoise.

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

Ball as water-melon.

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

"It's our most popular gift - a helium cookie."

Kissing the Fish

Balloon dog poos.

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

State of the Art Dog.

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

"Well thank you, and may I say you look quite handsome too..."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'Okay,stay close, and stay alert! Looks like we're heading into BIG CAT COUNTRY!'

Cat has swallowed computer mouse.

The Portrait of Dorian Gray after one year in lockdown.

'No, don't tell me...split personality.'

Chameleon and TV

"Ah yes… this is Mr Shipley, our new head of strategically placed objects."

Bald man spraying his head with hairspray

Odorant

"Psychiatric convention"

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

Joe's Truckstop Diner: Eat In - Take Out - Poop somewhere else.

Joke Shop product - Not Funny After 10 Sept 87

"Anatomy of a cat"

"Maybe that metal device we found with the paleolithic stone tools WAS a ray gun!"