Sibling Rivalry Humorist Gifts

If raising a kid is so expensive, why did you have Teddy? He's an obnoxious pip-squeak who sucks up money you could be spending on me. If you were an only child, you'd spend all your complaints on me. That's so selfish! Teddy's worth every penny!

Polygamists' Picnic

'I am so proud: My kids are finally fighting all the time!'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

It's my biggest project - a database of all my sister's boyfriends.

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

The noise from the basement was probably nothing – but if it was, she was a sacrifice her older brothers were willing to make.

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Act your birth order!"

'My brother got all the glory. For me it was Randolph with your nose so pink, you really make my sleigh team stink.'

'A boy? Come on, Mom, you can do better than that!'

LEMONADE 50 CENTS, 'Sorry, cash only -- we don't accept little brothers.'

'Mum, she pulled my mane!'

"Gracie, I'm getting way tired of your Jane Goodall routine!"

"You can't live in our basement. Your brother beat you to it."

'At first I wanted a brother, but I've changed my mind... I want a puppy now.'

'I suppose this puts my new bike on the back burner?'

'good taste is timeless, Al.'

"If you have one child you are a parent but if you have two, you are a referee!"

No date for the prom, green girl? If you ever grow up, nerd boy

'How do you expect them to treat you in a mature way with that thing in your mouth?'

Technically, no, dear, your brother isn't plagiarizing you. ABC. ABC.

You'll grow into your sister's hand-me-downs soon enough, dear.

'Mom says she has a souffle in the oven - Does that mean I'm going to have a baby brother?'

'Watch out for my little brother -- he's clothing-optional.'

'Take it from someone with experience. . . you can't go throwing tantrums until you've at least tossed a few.'

'Mom! - Jeffrey just said a DADDY word!!'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

'Stop crying or Mom will think we're not having fun!'

'MOM! -- Samantha called me names in her diary!'

"I'm wearing new cologne. I hope Smiley is able to control herself around me today."