Shovel Savvy Gifts

Hacking through ice in order to fish

"Tommy!"

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

'The difference between the sexes...First Contact...'

Snowman Driver

Ladies Fashions - "Money isn't tight - you are!"

August is corporate earnings restatement season.

"I'm thinking of changing my parting."

'I'd add 'UK' to your name and do it in big red letters...that'll be £15,000.'

'It never fails. The mud's always one inch higher than my boots.'

Portrait artist drawing DNA patterns.

Smile you're on camera! You're also on my podcast!

Charging to a 10,000 Dow?

'We want to adopt a kid. Do you have a choice our feng shui consultant can look at?'

"This is our new one-piece for the more mature ladies."

'I can just make it out. She's saying 'call my hairdresser'.'

'Take ten years off the top.'

'I'm trading futures in green sheets.'

'I think someone wants you to search for buried bones.'

"Careful, underneath that layer of snow there's a layer of confusion."

'They say gemstones have properties for relieving stress. . . once you get past the stress of paying for them.'

Stock market news.

Designer labels "I'm sorry, but I think I've forgotten your name."

Parking meter holdup

'Nice try, Mom! They're pinking shears.'

"The good news is that the stock market is doing much better."

For once, I'd like to order a non-soy-based tofu substitute. No more health food. I have Tofurkey.

'Maybe a tad too much eye makeup.'

'What do you call a blonde doing hand stands? A brunette.'

The usual? My daughter's all over me about dyeing my hair. I want to go totally natural! Fine. Which would you like? Natural ash, honest honey or real platinum blonde? Which does Mother Nature use?

'I'm getting really tired of your friend crashing here every night!'

Fluff It Up. A hairdresser creates an amazing Afro.