Shortcut Gourmet Gifts

Recipes from Second-Rate Mom Magazine

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

To do before Saturday...

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

Cheese

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

'It's just some Pour 'n' Serve, Stir 'n' Blend, Bake 'n' Slice, Mix 'n' Broil and Chop 'n' Simmer.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'Cooking'