Sharp Wit Fan Pillows

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

Loopholes

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

Late Night with Patrick O'Brian

Stephen Fry.

'Cohiba is written on here with a Sharpie.'

Oscar Wilde

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

'I'm still trying to build up a following here, but I'm huge in Lilliput.'

"Stimulating this area of the brain will enable the patient to think of all the clever things he wished he had said."

'He may be loaded, Tammy, but he's still a dirt-eating worm.'

Sublime

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

Jugular Vein

Aleksandr Griboyedov

To some people, sarcasm is a second language.

Another day, another conquest

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

'Please sir - all of them!'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'Are you choking or are you serious?'

Groucho Marx

Brains aren't everything - to some people they're nothing.

"He loved self-referential humor."

'They call me 'ka-ching'...I'm the go-to cash player.'

'Give me your bag Oscar, if you want to do the genius gag.'

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'