Sharp Wit Fan Pillows

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

Loopholes

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

Stephen Fry.

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

"Stimulating this area of the brain will enable the patient to think of all the clever things he wished he had said."

'I'm still trying to build up a following here, but I'm huge in Lilliput.'

Sublime

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

'He may be loaded, Tammy, but he's still a dirt-eating worm.'

Aleksandr Griboyedov

To some people, sarcasm is a second language.

Jugular Vein

'Please sir - all of them!'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'Are you choking or are you serious?'

Brains aren't everything - to some people they're nothing.

'They call me 'ka-ching'...I'm the go-to cash player.'

"He loved self-referential humor."

'Give me your bag Oscar, if you want to do the genius gag.'

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'

Lady and poet arguing wittily