Shareholding Gifts

Before the smart money leaves the market, we need to get the dumb money into the market.

"Bottom line - don't forget to lie."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

The day the stock market went UP.

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"To summarize the year: we were taken over, we took over, we were taken over and we took over."

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'If we have only fractional ownership, it's not a private jet anymore, is it?'

"I have an obligation to the stockholders, not the employees!"

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'All we can do is remind the stockholders that money isn't everything.'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

'That concludes the annual report, I will now fend off questions from the stockholders.'

"...That's agreed then, we raise our salaries by 40%..."

Girl to girl: 'A friend is someone you don't have to call dibs with.'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

"Still, I think we can all take some pride in being one of the signature bankruptcies of our time."

"Remember, when they go low... we observe shareholder value and act accordingly."

Would anybody else like to ask a question before the stewards get to them?

'Our total annual return looks better since photoshop...'

'You realize, of course, that that's the fifth 25 stake we've now sold in our entertainment division.'

'Remember Nitro, keep the engine running and once we've bagged the bonus cheques you floor the peddle.'

"Before we made the leap to cyberspace, our stockholders made us promise we'd maintain a traditional street presence, too!"

'You put it down for five seconds. I get it now.'

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."