Shareholder Gifts

"My favorite time of year is earnings season."

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

'By demanding to nominate directors you shareholders act as if you own the place.'

'Under disclosure rules, I'm required to tell you I own stock in the company whose

'And now I would like to depart from my prepared text...'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

Dividends fall whilst executive pay rises - 'As you know, ladies and gentlemen, charity begins at home.'

Handled all of my own investments

'Great, and I'll also need some mirrors.'

"Congratulations on becoming a partner - your share of the company losses are �200,000."

'Shall we allow a near-term consideration of 'ethics' to lower profit margins? . . . . I think we're better than that!'

"Well, that's how 68% of the voting shares feels - does anyone feel differently?"

"We want a management buy out - if you'll lend us the money."

Shareholders Meeting - "That is a very good question - next question, please."

"Thank you gentlemen for voting me as chairman."

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'That's 3 votes for 'When Hell Freezes Over'...now, a show of hands for 'When Pigs Fly'.'

'Hold on ? I have a followup question for you to evade.'

"Smile - here comes our funding..."

Boardroom antics.

"Well, I was outvoted by the stockholders today by eight thousand six hundred and twenty-seven to one."

'According to our research only ten percent of what we do is reprehensible, but it accounts for one hundred percent of our profits.'

'It's been a rough quarter, but to improve customer satisfaction we're sending out a pair of these rose-colored glasses with each financial statement.'

'We did invite some women to be on the board. They wanted no part of it.'

"We won't be mailing out our quarterly report. Our profits were obscene and postal regulations prohibit mailing obscene material."

"You've explained why the merger is good for shareholders, investors, and suppliers - the only ones you haven't mentioned are the customers."

"Shareholders are complaining that there are no women on The Board - so who'd like to have a sex change op?"

Flowers' AGM.

"...That's agreed then, we raise our salaries by 40%..."

"What are the shareholders complaining about? I make less than a Premier League footballer."

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

"Let's just issue last year's annual report and see if anyone notices."

'That concludes the annual report, I will now fend off questions from the stockholders.'

"I, too, hate being a greedy bastard, but we have a responsibility to our shareholders."

Well done, Megson. Shareholders should drop off after fifteen minutes.