Corporate Shareholder Gifts

'For those of you who don't wish to know the results of our executives pay...turn away now.'

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

The day the stock market went UP.

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"To summarize the year: we were taken over, we took over, we were taken over and we took over."

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'If we have only fractional ownership, it's not a private jet anymore, is it?'

Shareholders Meeting: 'Mr Kenny will now take friendly fire from the audience.'

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

'I'm looking for something to impress the shareholders.'

"I have an obligation to the stockholders, not the employees!"

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'All we can do is remind the stockholders that money isn't everything.'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

'Behind every great business deal is a company lawyer advising against it.'

"...That's agreed then, we raise our salaries by 40%..."

'That concludes the annual report, I will now fend off questions from the stockholders.'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

"Still, I think we can all take some pride in being one of the signature bankruptcies of our time."

Would anybody else like to ask a question before the stewards get to them?

"Remember, when they go low... we observe shareholder value and act accordingly."

'Remember Nitro, keep the engine running and once we've bagged the bonus cheques you floor the peddle.'

'You realize, of course, that that's the fifth 25 stake we've now sold in our entertainment division.'

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

"Before we made the leap to cyberspace, our stockholders made us promise we'd maintain a traditional street presence, too!"

Handled all of my own investments