Corporate Board Member Gifts

'Good news: First-quarter profits should be strong and second-quarter prison sentences should be light.'

'It's agreed, Members of the board will not take certain aspects of the annual report too personally.'

But It's Already Being Censored

'Let them raise the minimum wage. . .then we can justify downsizing another 50,000.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

'Now that I have your attention...'

"Can I savor this for a few moments? The ball's never been in my court before!"

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"The meeting will come to order."

"Ok, do we agree the minutes of the last meeting?"

'Since I'm new here, let's start by clearning the air. You may have noticed that I'm short for a C.E.O. . .'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'I am willing to concede that the company has been underperforming of late...'

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

'We need to change our luck. Let's move our headquarters to Redmond, the home of Microsoft.'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'All those in favor of having anchovies on our pizza will signify by saying aye.'

'Wake me up when he doesn't use a buzzword.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

'Gentlemen, we need a slogan!'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'