Settlement Humorist Pillows

I could only get a settlement of £50,000 and you get some of it.

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

'Nothing like being your own boss, huh?'

Various Traps.

"The answers to the questions you seek could also be found on Google."

High tide.

'He has his father's feet.'

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

"Your aunt has bequeathed to you her collection of toilet paper, soap and towels from 385 hotels from all over the world."

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

'As you know, your father liked the sport of Boxing...'

'You got much on at the moment?'; 'No, nothing really.' (Naked man)

"Psst! I got mantras. You need a mantra? Mantras right here..."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

'You can come back in, King Kong. The superintendent got the door open.'

Man tries to build a traditional Indian Guru bed using flatpack furniture.

'...and to you, he has left his leprosy.'

'Your Great Uncle has left you all his money in this family heirloom!'

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

"Nothing like a snow zombie."

'... and to my yoga instructor, I leave my entire body.'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'Lost again. I hope you kept a diary of your trip.'

Valentines for Real Estate

'No, I don't remember asking you to move in with me. Not only that, I don't remember who you are!'