Suburban Humorist Pillows

'Damn! Sex and the City is not on tonight.' 'Does that mean no sex in the suburbs tonight either?'

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

"Sand! Sand!"

"Well, Charles, it wasn't a 'pesky little wasp,' it was a hummingbird."

"Man, did we SCORE! Pot roast with gravy, tuna salad, and the best for last: financial documents with account AND social security numbers!"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Cash Machines From Across the Land

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

German School

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

"What are you doing?"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.