Sermon Sensei Pillows

"Ten, night, eight, seven. . . ."

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"What colour do you have to get before the big kids leave you alone?"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

The Sleeping Congregation.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"It was a little preachy."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

Words falling out of bible.

Old man fighting against time with an arm wrestle.

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

VACCINATION REFUSAL

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

"And the weird shall inherit the Earth, for their ways are difficult for A.I. algorithms to figure out."

'Oh, it wasn't glossolalia -- he just gets tongue-tied when he preaches about sex and marriage.'

"I stand corrected..."

At 4 years old most kids can say easy straightforward sentences.