Septic Superfan Pillows

"I feel like all I do is pick up crap all day."

Atomic Bear: Part 21

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

Pay me not to pay 'Wonderwall'

It's nothing to worry about - many kids his age have trouble with the letter S.

'hold the blog - I got a bargain in the sales'

Love.

"Dear, there's someone here to collect your soul."

'I have no idea why he calls us those weird names...my name is Bob!'

"Chills, Randy. I feel chills. And I can't move." "And I can't remember the last time my palms were this sweaty." "This must've been what people felt like when they heard the Allies were finally invading Normandy on D-Day." "No way any movie can live up to this hype." "Wolverine day is almost upon us." "We are about to embark upon the great crusade..."

'Then one day Ralph decided there isn't anything more important than money, and became a day trader.'

Lumberjack's Epic Fail

"I'm sure you want little Jimmy to have a complete set of 'Muscular Heroes of the Cosmos,' now, don't you, Mr. Bennett?"

"I'm so sorry, there is nothing I can do for him anymore...he must have been offline for at least 10 hours..."

'He hibernates between superbowls.'

Die-hard soccer moms.

Matthew Perry.

"All I said was, do we have to watch your telenovela tonight."

'Lenny NEVER had any problems with cramped seats at football games - like most people do.'

Yeah, right, like Superman was the only flavor they had. Ice cream.

'I know my electric bills are way over due, but could you at least wait until the Super Bowl is over before turning off my electricity?'

Banana Ballet

A man imagines flying as a superhero.

"O.K., let's see what all the fuss is about."

Soccer Fans.

Holiday Party: "This party's about to go up a notch."

Nate was Martha Stewart's biggest fan. 'Hi, I'm Nate. I love all your work.I can't tell you how excited I am to finally meet you!'

SEE SANTA, 'The rest of the year I'm an Elvis impersonator.'

'I'm sorry to disturb you, but new health and safety rules prohibit me from climbing down your chimney.'

Shy author hiding while signing books.

Super Bowl Monday

"And his tell-all memoir reveals how he broke into every home and consumed over twelve thousand pounds of cookies in one evening."

"Truth, justice and the American way?... Then why didn't you just become a lawyer?"

Superman Vs. Winter

"He can't stop digressing."