Separation Gifts

"I want our divorce to have a country farmhouse feeling."

'It's not you, it's your carbon footprint.'

'...and seven years ago I donated one of my kidneys to him. I want it back.'

"Thanks to separations, divorces and remarriages, I've got 20 grandparents."

"Oh yeah? Well my dad's child support payments are bigger than your dad's."

"I want out, Laura."

"I thought we were soul mates, too, so imagine my surprise to find that my actual soul mate is Nicole in accounting."

"O.K. just one more item. Who gets the frequent-flier miles?"

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

'Quick! Kids! There's a positive male role model on the television...'

"O.K., leave me, but just remember, if you do I'm coming with you."

"True, you have irreconcilable differences, but they're mainly about flossing."

"Goodbye, Kevin. I could look the other way with the boozing and the skirt-chasing, but I did not sign up for bicycle clothes."

"We're still working out joint custody."

'If you dislike the term 'divorce' that much, then just think of it as downsizing the time you spend together.'

"Your father and I want to explain why we've decided to live apart."

"Please don't leave me...I'm lost without you!"

She left Friday. He noticed Tuesday, when all the clean towels ran out.

"I'm leaving you, Harold. So don't try to stop me"

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"You're a good husband, Dave - I just want to start marrying other people."

"How could you just walk out on me like this? And, by the way, 'nit-picking' has a hyphen."

'When, Janice? When did our marriage start to go downhill?'

"Herbert, I've decided to seek your ouster."

"I see here the party of the first part says 'potato.' The party of the second part says 'potahto.' The party of the first part says 'tomato,' the party of the second part says 'tomahto.' Both parties, by mutual agreement, wish to call the whole thing off

Woman sits on one-half of desert island that has been split in two: 'Call it intuition, Harold, but I feel as if we're drifting apart.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

"I'm leaving you. I would have told you earlier but the time just never seemed right."

'Divorces ‘R Us' is etched in stone on a courthouse.

"Since we don't have children, my ex turned the cats against me."

"I'd like to return this, please."

Alcoholism.

"Please come back. My life is incomplete without you."

'Well, sometimes Lauren likes to travel rolled up in a carpet in the boot. She's funny that way.'

"While we've got the chance, Dad, we'd like to thank you for these little glimpses of you we've had through the years!"