Separation Gifts

"I want our divorce to have a country farmhouse feeling."

'It's not you, it's your carbon footprint.'

'...and seven years ago I donated one of my kidneys to him. I want it back.'

"Thanks to separations, divorces and remarriages, I've got 20 grandparents."

"Oh yeah? Well my dad's child support payments are bigger than your dad's."

"I want out, Laura."

"I thought we were soul mates, too, so imagine my surprise to find that my actual soul mate is Nicole in accounting."

"O.K. just one more item. Who gets the frequent-flier miles?"

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

'Quick! Kids! There's a positive male role model on the television...'

'If you dislike the term 'divorce' that much, then just think of it as downsizing the time you spend together.'

"We're still working out joint custody."

"Goodbye, Kevin. I could look the other way with the boozing and the skirt-chasing, but I did not sign up for bicycle clothes."

She left Friday. He noticed Tuesday, when all the clean towels ran out.

"Your father and I want to explain why we've decided to live apart."

"Please don't leave me...I'm lost without you!"

"True, you have irreconcilable differences, but they're mainly about flossing."

"O.K., leave me, but just remember, if you do I'm coming with you."

"I'm leaving you, Harold. So don't try to stop me"

"You're a good husband, Dave - I just want to start marrying other people."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"I see here the party of the first part says 'potato.' The party of the second part says 'potahto.' The party of the first part says 'tomato,' the party of the second part says 'tomahto.' Both parties, by mutual agreement, wish to call the whole thing off

"I'm leaving you. I would have told you earlier but the time just never seemed right."

"Herbert, I've decided to seek your ouster."

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'When, Janice? When did our marriage start to go downhill?'

"How could you just walk out on me like this? And, by the way, 'nit-picking' has a hyphen."

Woman sits on one-half of desert island that has been split in two: 'Call it intuition, Harold, but I feel as if we're drifting apart.'

Alcoholism.

'Well, sometimes Lauren likes to travel rolled up in a carpet in the boot. She's funny that way.'

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"Since we don't have children, my ex turned the cats against me."

'I've decided to simplify my life, Roy. You're out. My Iphone is in.'

"You may think I'm a loser, but I've got a letter here that says I may already be a winner."