Self-publicist Supreme Gifts

'It says, 'Like many of the greats, he was a brilliant self-publicist.'

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

JET (Part I)

"Your press kit said you were lots of fun."

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"My spokesperson won't speak to me."

Snow White and her Seven people.

Blog Breakdown

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

'Burke's B-list celebrities.'

"He's a real throwback. He does all his own publicity stunts."

The Acme Agency: "Dedicated to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Media Exposure."

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"It's a blood curdling novel about the brutal murder of a publisher who rejected a book about the brutal murder of a publisher..."

The company's marketing strategy became increasingly sophisticated.

Man milks a book.

'You've probably heard of me. I'm an author, consultant and lecturer in the fields of authoring, consulting and lecturing.'

"And afterwards, I'll be signing my new DVD of this presentation in the lobby."

IRS tax instructions.

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

"I wrote, self-published and remaindered it myself."

'We've got truth, we've got enlightenment, and we've got serenity - what we NEED is media coverage.'

"You've got to blurb me to her."

"You are, without a doubt, the worst publicist I've ever had!"

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

"Yes, Your Honor. I am Mr. Brandon, Mr. Shindelbower's attorney, along with his agent and publicist."

Media Darling.

"I've decided to redefine as a GREAT artist."

'Glen Hoddle employs faith healer' "Remember the days we only had a magic sponge?"

"'Killer Whale' is terrible branding. From now on, people will call you 'Happy Silly Fun Fish.'"

"Here is the campaign strategy and here are the after-the-fact excuses."