Self-proclaimed Sommelier T-Shirts

"Oh merlot, you have betrayed me with your false promises to treasure and nourish my heart, when all along you were plotting to sent me to an early grave!"

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

Keith Floyd.

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

"I'm getting cinnamon, brandy, nutmeg, a hint of Alsatian."

"I'm sure you've heard of foodies - he's a drinkie."

'Been toying with Bordeaux futures again, have we?'

'In the interests of full disclosure, federal law now requires me to inform you that I own shares in the winery whose product I am serving this evening.'

Nouveau wine

"You may not know this, but I've become quite the wine expert."

'This Chardonnay is so over-oaked, it comes with a 2-year service contract from Terminix.'

"House red, sir?"

"I'm in the middle of a local wine tasting tour."

"I'm feeling less stressed since I set my biological clock back an hour."

"And this is our 'panic room'. We usually pop in here after watching the nightly news."

'And this is my dad. He's the wine critic for The Herald and he can drink your dads under the table.'

Wine-tasting Tour.

"I understand he's in aroma therapy.''

'I wonder if we strike wine again!'

'How many times did you think you could get away with using the term 'bouchon d'expedition' on the first date?'

"Red with meant, white with fish. . . but it all goes great with chocolate!"

"Might I suggest a full-bodied white?"

"While here, you'll have to try our food desert, too!"

'This wine doesn't need to breathe...it needs CPR!'

"Which one had the health benefits in it?"

"I want a wine that's wise but unassuming, and not ashamed of a screw on cap."

'Sir has made the most discerning choice to wash it down with Drain Glug.'

"Oh no, it's far too tart"

(I'm tasting berries with deep earth overtones and a definite hint of almond) (That would be the Cyanide.)

Advanced course at the Wine Appreciation Institute in my house.

"What would the world be like without wine? I can't bear to think of it."

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

Grape vines think alike.

Wine Shotput