Self-improvement Devotees Pillows

'It's an easy product to sell. We just have patients view themselves in high def.'

They hated me.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

What else is there to wish for?

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

Critisize your weight.

"I hurt a lot of people during my last twelve steps."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Meditation centre' 'Coffee, Tea, Enlightment, Refreshments'

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"You're a shark! You're a killer! Nothing can stop you! Now get back in that boardroom and apologize."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."