Self-improvement Comedic Seeker Gifts

"I'm giving up begging, fags and booze...looks like I'll have to go back home to the wife and kids."

They hated me.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

Clown on bike.

Polar Bear ice fishing through igloo.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

Golfer Shouts at Ball to Go Into Hole.

The difference between cosmology and cosmetology.

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

Critisize your weight.

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Knights of the bedside table.

Man see a sign on door of Clayton's Jokes & Gags Shopee - 'Please Use Second Door To The Right'

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"My God!! - Those actors must all be really old by now...!"

"This year I resolve to embrace change."

Dedication to excellence....

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

I'm starting to think our new hardwood floor is made of driftwood.

"Relax, folks! I’m a lawyer. I can always find loopholes!"

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

Zoo animals.

"I tell ya - if I ever stop moving, I'll die."

Noah's ark, many lions