Jokesters Of Self-improvement Gifts

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

'Even in the mundane tasks, aim for perfection!'

After many years of wavering Dennis finally makes the decision to step out of his comfort zone.

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

New years resolutions

'It's an easy product to sell. We just have patients view themselves in high def.'

'Please do not ask for change.'

I am prepared to unveil by brilliant innovation. Is it an MP3 player? It's a self-help book. A simple way for readers to achieve instant happiness. You? What do you know about happiness? You're miserable and you make other people miserable. Wrong! People will get happy or I'll kick their keisters! Uplifting.

"You only get one chance to make a great exhaustion."

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

Kid, you can't go taking credit cards and identities. It's stealing. Just the same as if you stole something from a store. Yes sir. I want to be a good person. I won't do it anymore. And no freezing my assets. You're no fun at all.

Bart firmly believes that he is the result of intelligent design.

'Every year it's the same thing. I resolve to lose a ton and you say you're going to control your anger.'

'If you're bored do some writing.You could start by writing your will.'

"You've given me a lot to think about the next time my phone isn't working."

The cocoon was important, but I never would have been able to make this big a change without therapy.

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

"I'm giving up begging, fags and booze...looks like I'll have to go back home to the wife and kids."

'Actually, he hates having a beard †he just doesn't trust anybody to shave him.'

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

Hair transplant.

'Yes, I do feel safer, but the key sure is a hassle to carry around.'

The Nantucket Treatment Center for people pathologically incapable of picking out an even halfway good movie at a video store.

"I know it's only a knock-knock joke, but you wouldn't say it unless there was some truth in it."

Just Do It.

"...can you give us 5 motivational tips, the things that really made you unsuccessful?"

Common excuses of large people: 'Inside me is a beautiful person trying to get out.' ('Yeh, he ate me too!')

"I always think when I jump into the pool, that somewhere they're putting up a tidal wave warning!"