Self-control Skeptics Gifts

"Everyone thinks I have a lot of self control, but I refill it hourly."

I was holding out okay, until he made it into crumb cake.

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"That can't be right. How'd you work 15 hours in on day?"

New from Low-Key Press.

"We'll up your medication and with any luck your delusions should significantly reduce!"

Telling Self to Buzz Off

'Okay, whatever you do, don't follow THOSE dreams.'

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

Live, laugh, love

Editorial Control

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

"I'm here to warn you, do not eat both slices of cake – you're going to want one tomorrow."

Egomaniacs Anonymous - "There's nothing anonymous about me!"

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

Older cousin press

"I can do this all day, marshmallow. I have a bright life ahead of me. You, on the other hand... I'm not so sure."

New From Why? Books

'I haven't been trying for years and look where it's gotten me.'

'Self-help books for cynics'

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

"Geoffrey's new year resolution was to give up self-respect."

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

'Thank goodness, the publishers rejected my self help book.'

Success Without Effort

'I did it the hard way. No self-improvement books.'

"I hear that women's brains are more active in the area involving self control."

"Of course I hear it when you say 'come'. I just choose to ignore it."

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."

Down with Chicken Soup Books

"Don't think you can just come in here and self-describe."

Self Help ...Beg, Borrow, and Steal