Self-conscious Spirit Pillows

'I. Am. So. Embarrassed! How long have I been sitting across from him with that stuck in my teeth?'

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Think of it as a big puddle."

'He's holding a sign saying he's marooned with 20 cases of La Tache. A second sign: drop a corkscrew and come back in six months.'

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

That party went well.

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"...then finally, I got serious and started a band."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"We're making a video of us watching TV so we can watch ourselves watching TV...later."

"Is this who I am?"

Is your glass half full or half empty? Who cares, fill her up!

" I'm sorry. I was so busy listening to myself talk that I forgot what I was saying."

I wonder what they're moaning about right now?

Running

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

"So you dreamed you were an adult?"

"Feeling that only you can prevent forest fires could be construed as delusions of grandeur."

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

Bald man with a brush on his head

"I knew it!"

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.' 'There goes my political career!'

'Dude, I got the rest of the day off, so I'll be able to go riding after all!'

Frankly, I'm not as interested in resisting temptation as I am in finding it!

Psychiatry. I think I'm my own worst enemy because I like to back the winning side!

"I've got buck teeth, an overbite, big ears, pink eye, a harelip, and I live in a hole. She must love me!"

"This is where I come to unwind."

"You and your lists! You're missing out on life."

So, when did I realize I was a control freak, doc?…

'My socks don't match, but neither me nor my socks care.'

'You know you're 40 when...'(women)

If you were an iceberg...