Self-conscious Spirit Pillows

'I. Am. So. Embarrassed! How long have I been sitting across from him with that stuck in my teeth?'

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

"Think of it as a big puddle."

'He's holding a sign saying he's marooned with 20 cases of La Tache. A second sign: drop a corkscrew and come back in six months.'

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

That party went well.

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"...then finally, I got serious and started a band."

"We're making a video of us watching TV so we can watch ourselves watching TV...later."

"Is this who I am?"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

Is your glass half full or half empty? Who cares, fill her up!

" I'm sorry. I was so busy listening to myself talk that I forgot what I was saying."

Running

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

I wonder what they're moaning about right now?

"Feeling that only you can prevent forest fires could be construed as delusions of grandeur."

"So you dreamed you were an adult?"

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

Bald man with a brush on his head

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.' 'There goes my political career!'

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

'My socks don't match, but neither me nor my socks care.'

"This is where I come to unwind."

"You and your lists! You're missing out on life."

'Dude, I got the rest of the day off, so I'll be able to go riding after all!'

'You know you're 40 when...'(women)

If you were an iceberg...

"Ya know, no mask or hand sanitizer can spare you from spring fever."